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He woke at 4 AM to the sound of Kevin’s triumphant voice: “And that, team, is how you build a brand from zero to hero in twelve simple steps!” The video had ended. A green “CONGRATULATIONS” banner hung on the screen. A checkbox appeared: Mark as Complete?

He tried to skip ahead. He dragged the progress bar to 70%. Kevin was suddenly screaming about “Email Segmentation.” Then back to 40%—now it was “Influencer Tiering.” The video was a monster. It had no chapters, no mercy, no bathroom break.

He never clicked Mark as Complete . Some things are better left unfinished. He woke at 4 AM to the sound

At the nine-hour mark, Arjun was lying on his rug. His laptop rested on his chest, casting a ghostly blue light on the ceiling. Kevin was explaining “Retargeting Pixels for Abandoned Carts” for the third time, but using different jargon. Arjun’s notes, scattered across the floor, read: “Cookie ≠ snack. Funnel = life. KPIs = ???.”

He dreamed of click-through rates. He dreamed of cost-per-acquisition. He dreamed of a vast, infinite dashboard where every metric was red. He tried to skip ahead

For the first hour, it was magic. The host, a fast-talking Australian named Kevin, broke down “The Customer Journey” into five simple blocks. Arjun took furious notes, his hand cramping. He visualized his imaginary startup’s funnel. He felt the future whispering his name.

The 12-in-1 Coffin

He typed: The customer is a journey. The funnel is a lie. Kevin’s smile never reaches his eyes.