“Finally. Someone who gets my subtext.”

It sounds like you're looking for a draft that blends (a fictional or less-known name; possibly a mix of Louisa May Alcott, the author of Little Women , and a modern character) with Johnny Sins (the adult film actor known for his bald head and diverse "role" costumes).

A quiet, bookish living room. LILY ALCOTT (a stern 19th-century novelist type, wearing a bonnet and holding a quill) sits across from JOHNNY SINS (in a firefighter helmet and shorts, holding a protein shake).